I know we’ve all been there. We’ve all had that thing (or things) that we’ve been so sure about. We’ve stuck our necks out and spoken up with conviction and certainty. Set off down a one-way path without a backward glance.

Only to find out that we were wrong.

“But how can I go back now? I’ll look like a hypocrite. Like a liar. Like I don’t stick to my word.”

Now that I know I’m autistic, I can recognise that this has contributed to me struggling with this throughout my life. I know it’s not only an autistic issue, but I think it played an additional role.

Disclaimer: As always, this is all just my opinion. I’m one autistic person and I don’t speak for all autistic people. I’m just commenting on my experience and experiences that I perceive to be common amongst other autistic people I know. Please feel free to (kindly) disagree in the comments! I’d love to hear your thoughts.

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My thinking can be very black-and-white, all-or-nothing, right-or-wrong. I find change and uncertainty very difficult to cope with. Once I’ve made a decision or chosen a path, I find it incredibly difficult to stop and change direction; especially if it means going back on my word.

Nevertheless, like many other autistic people, I also have an overwhelming sense of and desire for justice, righteousness, fairness, and truth-telling. When I’m not sure on my position about something, I experience spiralling and intrusive thoughts that can be completely debilitating. I need to be honest about everything; with myself and with others.

So for me, to change my mind can feel like hypocrisy. I was so loud about my previous beliefs or decisions. I was so sure. People will hate me if I change my mind. People will think I’m a flake, a liar, or… a hypocrite.

Avoiding the imputation of hypocrisy or dishonesty is important to me in a way that goes beyond morality and burrows into my ability to function as a human. It gets me in trouble all the time.

When I repeat my point for the sixth time to make sure you understand me.
When I infodump at inappropriate times.
When I find myself incapacitated by the potential of being misunderstood.
When I interrupt because I have been misunderstood and need to correct it.
When I overshare and overexplain on my blog… oops.

Autistic people are so often misunderstood. Our facial expressions (or lack thereof) are misread. Our tone is misheard. Our behaviours are misinterpreted. It can lead to us being rejected, ostracised, even bullied, attacked or abused; in extreme cases, killed. To be misunderstood can feel dangerous. Many of us have trauma responses linked to the fear of being misunderstood for these very reasons.

But despite all this, I know that the only way to find peace is to be honest with myself. Maybe I’ll be accused of hypocrisy; there will always be those who choose to misunderstand or misrepresent me. But I don’t have to receive that. (Thanks to Elyse Myers for teaching me that term!)

If you dig in your heels and stay on the same path, despite knowing it is wrong – that would be hypocrisy. That would be lying to yourself and others.

Instead, you hold up your hands. You admit you know more now than you knew back then and you say “I was wrong. I don’t want to be wrong anymore.”

Better yet, go further.

“But I will be wrong again. Maybe about this, definitely about something else. Maybe even tomorrow I’ll learn something else and I’ll have to change my mind again. Maybe I’ll never have the one true, right, correct answer. Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe I’m right now or maybe you are or maybe both of us or neither. I can’t say for sure. But I can say that I will be honest about it. I’ll say what I mean and mean what I say. So even if you think I’m wrong – even if I am wrong – you’ll know that I’m being honest.”

We can’t ever know if we’re truly right. We can only know that we are being honest. And I know “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”, but we can only know what we know, be open to learning more, and be willing to change our minds if we find out we’re wrong.

I think the mistake we make is forgetting that we are human. We make mistakes all the time. But if we refuse to change our minds to avoid this distorted notion of hypocrisy, then we can never hope to grow.

Changing your mind is not hypocrisy. It’s honesty. It’s growth. It’s human.

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Have you changed your mind on something big in your life? What made you change your mind?
Are you struggling to admit you’ve changed your mind about something? What is holding you back?
Share your thoughts in the comments below.

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If you think you might be autistic or you’re looking for support as an autistic person, feel free to check out my support page for some resources and services you might find useful.

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